adventures in porn and other vile things of a vaguely sexual nature
by a warrior queen
Summary: OR: Gray is the fucking slowest idiot on the planet, and Natsu is totally stealing this journal ASAP to show it to everyone bye. —Gruvia.


On the first day of Christmas my Glitter Queen gave to meeeeee *awful singing* So, these babies are the reason why I was quiet for basically a month. I've been slaving myself over gifts for my wonderful friends because I AM THE BEST. Expect something new each day.

This one goes to **Arianna** also known as **canyoudigitmotherlicker** on tumblr and **random teenager **on this website. Happy Holidays!

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**adventures in porn and political science and other vile things of a vaguely sexual nature**

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**8 SEPTEMBER  
**_i really don't wanna do this_

If you're reading this, you are probably an obnoxious little dick or your name is Natsu, which, to be completely fair, is kind of the same thing. With that said, if you're a blond with big tits or a redhead with amazing legs or anywhere near that, please put this shit down and kindly take a couple of steps back and out the door of this dorm.

If you're still here, then you're breaking my balls and I guess I have to explain myself to you.

To start things off:

-This is not a man diary.  
-I am not gay.  
-You should seriously put this down so I can stop writing.  
-My wrist hurts.  
- _This is not a man diary_.

With that said, I'd just like to say that Ur has taken matters into her hands about the whole exhibitionism problem and has taken me to a therapist. Which, in all honesty, is her fault to begin with. You _know_ about what happened that winter break that changed my entire life forever. So now… This happened. And I hate it, I really do.

So, if I ever get too drunk and you see me trying to burn this shit: kindly let me proceed with my actions.

That'd be pretty cool.

—Gray

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**9 SEPTEMBER  
**_the semester hasn't even started and i want to shoot myself_

You know, I was pretty set on being done with school after I graduated high school; like, I seriously thought I was gonna go into the working field and be an, I don't know, an electrician or something like that. Maybe a mechanic; yeah, man, I can definitely see myself as a mechanic. Those blue jumpsuits would look pretty legit on me, don't you think?

But lo and behold, here I am for another excruciating, pain in my ass semester at the University of Magnolia.

I don't even know what I'm majoring in, anymore; last semester, it was bio-chemistry before I realized what the hell that'd do to my brain. And the semester before that, I was pretty sure I'd make a legit actor.

Anyway, so it's Sunday; second to last day before my life is officially hitting the Boring level for the next fifteen weeks. Unlike some of the new little freshmen who are actually out getting drunk already, I'm digging a hole on one of the couches on my floor's rec-room, watching Natsu and Gajeel play the PS3 and something about betting.

I don't fucking know.

From what I've gathered, as I exited my and Natsu's dorm today in the morning, Erza is bunking straight across from us so if I am planning on shoving the little shit out the window this semester, I have to make sure he doesn't scream. Yeesh, last thing I'd need is a knockout punch from Erza. Broad is Scary with a capital s.

There's a new chick on our floor; like, new as in she just moved to the university. She's apparently best friends with Gajeel and the fact that she has blue hair makes me wonder if him dating Levy has anything to do with this… Anyway, romance is stupid; like Erza and Jellal still dancing around each other like some salsa dancers or the fact that Natsu is too clueless to realize that he likes Lucy and she likes him back.

All that gives me a headache.

New chick's name is Juvia.

She keeps staring at me and I can't seem to decide if this is a good thing or a bad thing…

—Gray

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**17 SEPTEMBER  
**_binge drinking should not be frowned upon_

Welp, I just finished housing the biggest migraine to ever exist and along with that the biggest hangover to have ever exist. I don't know why this keeps happening; if I drink the way I drink I should already be immune to this bullshit. Jesus, I was actually pretty positive I was still drunk because I swore I saw two Lucy's poke their head inside the dorm, earlier today.

She'd stared at me, eyebrows furrowed and brown eyes staring at me with what I like to say was worry.

"He's not here," I had groaned out, "He _died_."  
"D'you need something, Gray; I can try to find you some soup…"  
"Nope, jus' gonna sleep and hope I die or some'in'."

To say I don't remember what happened after that is an understatement.

Anyway, classes have been dull and I don't really think I remember what I've learned in the past week; maybe if the old geezers here made it a little more exciting rather than droning on and on and pretending they know what they're talking about… Then we can talk for a little bit about how awesome the study of BLAH is.

So here I am, stuck in bed coz I don't think I can manage moving around so much. At least Natsu hasn't made any sort of appearance; I think he really did die… Oh god, I knew he was no match against me when it comes to the keg! I told him—I did, I told him! I was like

"Oi, just stop, man, you look like you're gonna puke your stomach out."  
"Are you 'fraid to battle me, Gray, eh? S'that it? I knew—I knew I was the best, heh, you're all bark but no bite."  
"'Kay, gonna kick your ass now."

I tried, see.

So, if you wanna point fingers, find Natsu and point 'em at him.

Maybe I'm still drunk, or something.

Gonna go die, now. Again.

—Gray

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**17 SEPTEMBER  
**_blue haired girls are short and weird_

…Huh, Juvia came into my dorm with a bowl of soup, not too long ago. You know, something's giving me this vibe that she likes me; but I don't know, I may be wrong because—seriously—romance ain't my thing. But… She's awfully nice to me and I swear she tries her best to be near me.

It makes me feel awkward because, wow, how am I supposed to act about this; am I just supposed to keep it cool or…? I mean, seriously, take a look at how our conversation went:

"Hi, Gray."  
"Hey, Juvia. 'sup?"  
"I—um, well, Lucy mentioned you being hungover… I thought this might help."  
"Oh. Thanks, I guess." (:

Smiley's there because I smiled.

Sort of.

I may have looked like I smelt a skunk.

—Gray

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**26 SEPTEMBER  
**_someone in the floor is listening to hellogoodbye_

Can I just express my deepest dislike over this band? I mean, okay, three of their songs are in my iPod but everything else is like 'whoa, so you think you can sing?' and just, wow. I don't know, I'm just seriously miffed by them resonating through the walls; thin fucking walls here, bro, thanks.

Anyway.

Classes have been okay or whatever and I'm not gonna say I haven't skipped a couple of lectures within the week, because I have. I also haven't gotten drunk since the last time because that hangover was the worst shit in the entire world. Natsu keeps telling me about how he has this feeling Lucy is dating this guy named Sting and he's pretty pissed, Natsu.

It's really fucking funny because he's jealous and he doesn't even realize it.

Fucking idiot.

Okay, you know what, I'm going out. I can't sit in this fucking dorm and listen to this band without wanting to bash my head through a couple of walls.

—Gray

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**29 SEPTEMBER  
**_i'm really hungry_

Today was as uneventful as yesterday and the day before that.

I went to my lectures, fell asleep in one and played Spider Solitaire in the other. Also, Juvia's in my English lecture and she was on some website named Tumblr the entire time. I think she's an otaku. I think this is really adorable and I swear she was swallowing down her squeals and she kept shifting around.

Weird girl, Juvia.

I don't think she's openly open about it too, coz when I leaned over and asked "Wha'cha lookin' at?" She quickly minimized the window.

"O-oh! Nothing. I,um. Wow, lecture."  
"…Yeah…"  
"Gray, um. I—well. Would you like to go eat, after this…?"

I really wanted to say no.

But I was really hungry.

So I said yeah. And she smiled at me and it was really weird, but I don't know, maybe it's just me.

We went to a joint not too far from campus. It was quiet coz we didn't really have much to talk about, but I suppose her company was cool; she kept tucking her hair behind her ear and her eyes kept looking around at everything.

I don't know, man, I just really liked my food.

—Gray

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**7 OCTOBER  
**_whoever created essays needs to die another ten thousand times_

How is it even fucking possible to be assigned an essay already? What kind of fucked up place is this, s'what I wanna know. Like, this isn't education—this is prison. Essays are the embodiment of bullshit and I hate it, why did I suddenly decide I'd make a legit teacher?!

Thankfully Juvia's in my class and, like, Juvia's really into English?

So I invited her to come with me to the library to work on this and, like, she's corrected A LOT OF SHIT in my essay and now I sound pretty fucking professional. I hate how I can't use the word fuck in the body paragraphs and how I can't start off by saying everything about this sucks. It did make her laugh and I don't know man she has a cute laugh.

Anyway, so we sat there and did our works and afterwards I felt like I needed to thank her for making my essay sound classy as fuck.

So I invited her to some pizza.

She looked really happy. I bet she's super excited that she finished her essay, too. I'm a fucking genius for thinking about going to the library.

—Gray

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**12 OCTOBER  
**_binge drinking that is all_

I don't even know what I did last night.

Like, how did I even come home? APPARENLTY NATSU WOKE UP IN A SCHOOL BUS?!

I don't even know if writing about my drinking adventures is such a good idea since I don't even know who's going to see this. Wow, you know what'd suck? If no one ends up seeing this and I wasted eighty percent of my awesome by writing in this like a fruity little fucktard. That'd suck a lot. I'd hunt my therapist down.

God, I am still too drunk to care about this.

Here, have a picture of a penis.

—Gray

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**20 OCTOBER  
**_MY LIFE IS FUCKING OVER_

I FUCKING HATE MIDTERMS

KILL IT WITH FIRE

—Gray

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**23 OCTOBER  
**_safe and sound is a pretty fucking cool song_

I'm studying for midterms with Juvia.

Natsu walked into the dorm and asked if he needed to hang the little tie on the doorknob. I didn't fucking get it but Juvia's face went really red. So I threw him a fucking shoe and then hid his stupid fucking scarf.

—Gray

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**31 OCTOBER  
**_lips like licorice tongue like candy_

I'm going to a Halloween party tonight. I didn't know what to dress up as and so Lucy got this idea that, like, we all should go as DC Superheroes, right? I called dibs on Batman before Natsu could; s'okay, tho, he ain't even about that life what even. So it goes like this:

Batman – ME  
Catwoman – Juvia  
Black Canary – Levy  
Superman –Natsu  
Wonder Woman – Lucy  
Batwoman – Erza  
Green Lantern – Jellal  
Flash – Gajeel

I'm probably going to get really drunk tonight and you know what I am perfectly fine with that. Juvia says that I don't even have blood in my body, anymore, because it's pure alcohol. I think that's pretty legit, man. I mean, not that it's a good thing COUGH COUGH COUGH

Lucy keeps giving me these weird little smiles and waggling her eyebrows at me and shit like that and, like, I don't get it? It mostly happens when me and Juvia are hanging out (good company, that girl, she's quiet and she PLAYS VIDEO GAMES mostly Legend of Zelda, but that's okay) which is making me believe that she has the hots for Juvia. I don't know how Natsu's going to take this because he can either be fucking defeated or fucking excited.

Che.

Anyway and along with Lucy's weird smiles and possible crush on Juvia are Erza's proclamations like:

"They're keepers when they keep you from taking your clothes off in public."

I think she wants me to make the journal thing official.

Fuck that noise.

Anyway, I gotta go because the alcohol calls my name.

—Gray

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**4 NOVEMBER  
**_pulp fiction is STILL the best movie ever_

Today, I took my pants off in the rec-room and you know what? I am perfectly okay with that because it felt liberating.

No one even noticed so that's ten points for me.

We were all watching Pulp Fiction and Natsu kept fucking hogging the popcorn like the lard ass he is but I don't even know why I cared. I don't even like popcorn unless it's the sweet kind—what the fuck is it called… SHJajkdksflsdgf;gfd. I asked Natsu, he said it's called kettle corn. Why the fuck is it called kettle corn? Why isn't it just called sweet popcorn?

Anyway so yeah.

Also I think Erza and Jellal finally started dating but I don't know, I just figured because they were looking very cozy which was disturbing to watch. Erza makes me think of, I don't fucking know, a Viking. And the thought of such a warrior (with fuzzy animal skin for a cape AND HORNED HELMETS) getting cozy with a wimp like Jellal makes me sick.

(I'M JUST KIDDING ERZA IF YOU'RE READING THIS IT'S A JOKE)

And then Juvia was sitting on the floor with her laptop on her lap and watching the movie that way computer people do everything in life—stare at computer, lift head up to take a glimpse of the TV, go back to computer.

I bet she was on that Tumblr thing again. I keep telling myself I'd check it out but I always forget.

I suppose I could do that…?

Woops, there went my shirt.

—Gray

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**5 NOVEMBER  
**_they did the monster mash_

**Me:** Hey  
**Juvia:** H-hey, Gray  
**Me:** I got a Tumblr  
**Juvia:** W-WHAT?!  
**Me:** -nods-  
**Juvia:** WHY  
**Me:** I wanted to see what the big deal was but like my dashboard is empty  
**Juvia:** You're supposed to f-follow people, Gray  
**Me:** …Oh  
**Juvia:** -is redfaced-  
**Me:** So give me your URL  
**Juvia:** Gray, you won't like what I post  
**Me:** Just give me your URL already  
**Juvia:** -sighs- unisonraid  
**Me:** WHAT?  
**Juvia:** unison raid without the space  
**Me:** Oh okay  
**Juvia:** ….pantytwister started following you?! G-GRAY!

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**11 NOVEMBER  
**_i think i need a haircut_

SO THIS TUMBLR THING IS PRETTY ADDICTING?!

In a week I have acquired, like, A LOT of followers?! I don't even know why! Also, I get a lot of messages (apparently they are called 'asks' on Tumblr) and always asking for selfies and this one time I just posted one of me and Juvia (because we were sitting next to each other in the rec room) and IT GOT LIKE A LOT OF NOTES.

Also the Tumblr people don't see my stripping habit as something bad, just throwing that out there. They think it's okay and freedom of speech, yo. So like, I don't get why I have to continuously write in here but guess what the end of the semester is nearing and so is me writing by hand because wow that shit is fucking primal.

Anyway, so my Tumblr life is legit and when I reblog MeMes that say "put in my ask who you ship me with" I always get Juvia or, in this case, unisonraid. Which is fucking weird, I don't know.

Okay so update on things:

-Natsu finally grabbed his dick and asked Lucy out on a date  
-Jellal and Erza ARE dating (EW)  
-Gajeel and Levy broke up for a bit but they're doing that exes that still love each other thing. I give them another three days before they're official again.  
-I have stripped about five times in public and it's okay fuck you journal  
-My hand hurts

How the fuck have I not burned this journal yet?

—Gray

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**25 NOVEMBER  
**_my life is ruined_

So Lyon showed up today.

Man, I hate that guy.

—Gray

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**26 NOVEMBER  
**_who the fuck cares_

WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS?!

No shut up therapist I'm sure you know who the fuck Lyon is, he's my fucking brother and a fucking douche nugget that lives to make my life miserable. Who does he think he is showing up here and taking what is MINE.

Like, he hasn't unglued himself from Juvia and its fucking annoying. Back off you cumslut she needs breathing space what the fuck?!

Lucy say's I'm jealous but like why the hell would there be any reason to be jealous?! Also, if Juvia wasn't SO FUCKING BUSY with that stupid idiot, she'd tell me I have a lot of run on sentences or something like that BUT I DON'T CARE GOODBYE JOURNAL

—Gray

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**26 NOVEMBER  
**_no you shut up right now_

I lost my writing utensils (okay so I threw them because I hate everything) so now I'm using—

I'm using—

I'M USING LUCY'S FUCKING SPARKLY PINK LEAD PENCIL AND THE LEAD KEEPS BREAKING I HATE THIS MAN

That hole right there is not my problem

Who needs actual punctuation in a journal entry anyway

I hate everything

Goddamnit I made another hole

Fuck me man

I fucking hate pencils

—Gray

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**27 NOVEMBER  
**_worst turkey day of my life_

Ur drove up here to have Thanksgiving dinner with me and Lyon (apparently Ultear's in Edolas right now?) so we had thanksgiving in my dorm room where we used Natsu's bed as the table. But guess what, Juvia was invited since she didn't have plans to return home.

It was the most annoyingest shit ever and Lyon keeps looking at her with this fucking look that makes me want to barf everything I ate a few hours ago.

Like, I haven't hung out with Juvia in DAYS now (two days but whatever). I just… He's always taking her out to places and I DON'T GET WHY SHE AGREES LYON IS A DICKFACE.

But I did find out things I didn't exactly know about her, like that she had a habit of speaking in third person when she was younger and that she and Gajeel have been friends since they were children and that she actually wants to major in art (explains all the doodles she posts on Tumblr) and that she really doesn't like the rain.

But still man I am not digging the fact that Lyon's a stupid douche that doesn't back off hdgfklgfd

—Gray

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**27 NOVEMBER  
**_i started watching american horror story_

Therapist (and journal), I bet you're wondering how Lyon even met Juvia right?

Well, if it weren't for the fact that Juvia was looking for one of Levy's textbooks which Natsu had, Lyon would have never met her. EXCEPT THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED and Lyon's stupid gay ass started crushing on MY friend back off you saliva face.

LYON JUST REALLY ANNOYS ME OKAY FUCK I RIPPED THE PAPER AGAIN

—Gray

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**3 DECEMBER  
**_sdfhsdjgkdfgkl;dfg_

Today I came to the realization that I want to shove Juvia against a wall and fuck her until she can't walk.

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**3 DECEMBER  
**_SFSDJFSDKL;_

FUCK

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**3 DECEMBER  
**_nice legs daisy dukes_

Juvia has fucking nice legs like holy fuck why didn't I fucking notice this?!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE THIS IS LIKE INCEST?!

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**3 DECEMBER  
**_when you gonna give it up_

YOU'RE GIVING ME SUCH A RUSH

COME ON JUVIA DITCH LYON

Good thing he's leaving tomorrow

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**4 DECEMBER  
**_i'm hungry_

WAIT SO DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT LUCY AND ERZA AND NATSU KEPT TALKING ABOUT?!

Did we look like a fucking couple or something like that holy glittery fuck I am really slow?! Like this entire time I just thought we were friends but then Juvia came out wearing fucking leggings and combat boots and a long cardigan with a fucking scarf and I just fucking froze and I just wanted to—to you know YOU KNOW

And like this is all happening super fast this would explain a lot of things

Also she has a nice ass wow

And she just sat down next to me bye

—Gray

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**5 DECEMBER  
**_ew everyone is back_

Lyon's gone and everyone else is back and everything is seemingly back to normal except that I'm getting a little stiff whenever Juvia sits down next to me or when she suggests we go study and stuff and I don't know why?! Like this is bogus man, I just want to go back to normal and stuff like I liked how it was between me and the weird blue haired girl, you know?

What the fuck is romance anyway?

I just aggressively took my shirt off because I'm angry I DON'T CARE

—Gray

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**7 DECEMBER  
**_you're gonna go far kid_

**Me: **So what do you like my brother?  
**Juvia: **Um, he's really nice  
**Me: **Not what I mean, Juvia  
**Juvia: **Oh… OH… No. No, I like someone else  
**Me: **…I see  
**Juvia: **-blushes and looks away-  
**Me: **Who?  
**Juvia: **I'm not telling you!

WHY?!

—Gray

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**10 DECEMBER  
**_i hate school by the way _

I'm taking my clothes off a lot more than normal. I think it happens when I'm under stress or when I'm angry or both. Earlier today I stripped down to my boxers in the rec-room and I didn't even notice until Natsu whipped me with his fucking hideous scarf.

Why won't she tell me who she likes, Therapist?!

I hate when this happens, that's why when I was messing around with Cana it was just that—messing around. Also, because she's bisexual and likes girls more than boys but still we had awesome sex. I WANT TO HAVE AWESOME SEX WITH JUVIA?

So I sent Juvia and ask today, on Tumblr. It was anonymous, of course, because if she saw it was me she wouldn't have answered. I asked her to describe who she likes and Juvia's generally really nice to her anons so of _course_ she replied. This is what she said:

"He's tall and has a nice body and runs his hand through his dark hair a lot and he furrows his brow constantly when he's thinking and he's really nice and silly. He lends me his jacket when the weather changes unexpectedly and sometimes he holds my books and treats me to snacks and I just sadskfsdld;lgf"

Things sorta began to make more sense after that, but I don't know. Whatever man.

—Gray

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**15 DECEMBER**  
_this pen is pink what the fuck_

Goddamn Lucy and her fucking weird pens. This ink is pink.

Also studying for finals I get to go home tomorrow bitches.

—Gray

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**16 DECEMBER  
**_you know what life is fine_

I'm leaving in ten minutes and but I just wanted to say that I did it. I confronted Juvia and told her she was really annoying for making me take my clothes off so much because she stressed me out and that I wished she liked ME instead of this dudebro that she likes and that her hair's stupid and blue and I like blue and then I kinda kissed her and she kinda kissed me back and just wow.

Wow.

Wow.

WOWOWOW.

She said she liked me since she met me and I feel really stupid, I don't fucking know, Therapist.

I kissed her a lot, then and I think we're sort of dating but I posted a picture of us on Tumblr and it got a lot of notes and a lot of people replied to it and said we make a good couple. So when she had to leave to take her next final, I told her that I was looking forward to playing video games and eating pizza and studying and lounging around without talking and just sitting together and reblogging things and laughing and gifs and tagging each other and making text posts about each other—with her.

Yeah, with her.

I like her a lot.

And with that, I finish my last entry on this godforsaken journal.

Deuces, have a picture of a penis

—Gray

_fin_


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